That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
