the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm really busy with my period
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