I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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