from now on my penis is your penis
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
