so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
