just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
