She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
