I wish I could punch you in the face.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
