My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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