i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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