Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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