I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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