There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Randomize
