You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
