his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
