Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
