She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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