I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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