apparently the secret to your success is patron
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
