My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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