Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
