Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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