We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
smell my finger.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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