So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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