I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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