So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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