At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
