my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
