He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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