Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
