You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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