remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
