apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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