So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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