I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
