I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
