I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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