This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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