You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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