Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
