It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
