I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
