I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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