Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
