Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
