Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
