The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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