I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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