Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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