I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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