I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She's the barista slut.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
